Figuring it all out

Its been a while since I last posted. I think for a while I was too freaked to put my fears down on paper, and then as things started to look up, I didn't want to jinx anything.

I've been to my surgeon 2 times since my last post - to check in on progress and to check on the looseness and instability in my hip. I had hoped he would tell me that while it was scary and startling for me, it was normal and part of recovery. Unfortunately he didn't say that. He did take an xray to make sure that he didn't remove to much bone - and that looked fine. But, apparently the looseness I feel is not normal. He thinks it may be that my joint capsule has not yet healed. He says that he thinks it will heal eventually and the looseness and instability will go away. He says that there is only one case in the literature about people having dislocations after srugery to correct FAI. But, I want to know how many people have loosness and the feeling of subluxation after the srugery and that goes away? Seems like there are no answers there. I'm trying to have faith that all will be ok, since the alternative is not good. Could be I'll need another surgery to tighten the joint capsule. I don't even want to think about that. ugh. so much for my tidy little surgery timeline.

I had been planning to have my left hip fixed, wait 6 weeks and have the right hip fixed, and then get out the plates in my clavicle. knock it all out quick and easy and compress the amount of time this takes over my life. But, I am reminded that I'm not actually in control here. This friday will be exactly 6 weeks from surgery on my left hip. For now, surgery on the right hip has been delayed until the left hip is resolved. Hopefully that is soon. The instability/looseness in my hip does seem to be getting better - a little. Although, i'm unable to do fairly basic things that I gather I should be able to do - based on the p.t. protocol. I'm really trying to have a positive outlook. I even got a book on changing from a pessimistic to an optimistic viewpoint :) I think of myself as a realist actually, but if I can trick myself into being more optimistic i am all for it!

While I wait for my left hip to resolve, I've decided to go ahead and have the plates removed from my clavicle. I'm not 100% happy about that decision either though and I have nervousness about whether that will work out as I hope. I have 16 screws and 2 plates in what is not a very large bone. I've been told "just don't fall". I hope that it heals up nice and strong and doesn't re-break. its been a year, so all should be fine. I do wish that my original surgeon was able to do the removal - but she moved to chicago - bummer! so, Dr. S will be going in sight unseen. That will happen next Friday - giving me the long weekend to recover. I'm sort of tempted to just leave it in - at least I know what I'm dealing with there. But, the screws poke up against my skin and can be pretty painful... and carrying a backpack is something I'll hopefully get to do again somewhere in the sierras :)

Life has not been all grim. This last weekend was my nephew's 2nd b-day and it was fun to celebrate with them a little on Friday night, and to catch up with my brother and get wonderful advice on what to do with my future. On saturday and sunday I got to help out the third pillar women's team at the Scotts Valley GP and the Sacramento GP. It was fun to be a part of the team - since I've been absent all season. Its a great combination of solid, strong racers, but without the b.s. and seriousness of a pro team. mellow, fun, strong. Can't wait to get back and race with these women.


Sunday night, Jon and I went to the Meals on Wheels Gala in Fort Mason which was pretty amazing. I was a little bummed because with the couch-weight i've put on I couldn't fit into the dress I planned to wear and still inhale, but i figured somethinge else out and we had a great time. It is set up so a bunch of amazing restaurants come out and cook up a small plate - and you can try all of them. The desserts were off the hook as well. It was a long, fun, thoroughly exhausting weekend. :)

I'm hoping (and please don't tell my doc) to actually ride my bike outside for a tiny bit this weekend. I'm thinking flat along canada road would be a good place to try it out. I'll stop if it feels unstable or painful, but i'm dying for a little wind on my face and endorphins in my blood. I was hoping to go for a walk today - but after p.t. yesterday i'm not sure its a good idea - kind of tender and weird feeling. probably an easy day on the trainer instead.

Today is a beautiful day in the city. Its been foggy and rainy lately, so a day of sun is a welcome change. Jon and I are talking about maybe getting a kitten this weekend. Hopefully, if we do, he and levi will get along well.

thats it for now,
v

a little scared

Today is kind of a low one. I was planning to hang out with my brother and nephews and go spend a day at the discovery museum in sausalito but i had to cancel. my hip is doing scary things again. That feeling of instability, like my hip will give out on me is back. this morning i rode the stationary bike for a little bit, and then was doing a little stretching. i did a little straight leg stretch - bent over, like touching my toes, and my hip had that strange slippery feeling and then felt like it popped out of the socket - all in the matter of a second or two. startling and painful. and scary since that hadn't happened in almost 2 weeks :( then going up stairs in my house my hip had a sharp pain and instability again. all of a sudden my hip is feeling really loose again - like its dangling in the socket. i debated for a few minutes, but decided that a day of walking around and trying to interact with 2 year olds was a bad idea. seems like a day of even walking around my house is a bad idea. so, i'm on the couch. sad. its sunday so i can't even reach my doctor. i haven't called him yet with my scared questions but i think this deserves a phone call. my worst fears all come to the surface in times like these. what if my surgery made things worse, not better. what if i never even get to bike again, or walk and hike. its a beautiful day outside, but its a dark day here.