I am writing from the airport in Nashville, Tennessee. I made the trip out here to visit Dr. Byrd in the hope that he could add some clarity on the question of what to do with my hip(s). Over the last month, I’ve been in a “wait and see” and information gathering mode. A couple of weeks ago I went to visit Dr. Sampson to see if he could help me to determine whether Dr. Safran or Dr. Philippon had the right approach to address the ongoing looseness in my left hip. Dr. Sampson, like Dr. Philippon, is of the opinion that simply tightening my joint capsule won’t solve the problem of looseness. He proposes reconstructing the labrum, though he would use a part of my joint capsule itself as the graft, while Dr. Philippon would use a graft from my IT band. Dr. Sampson also questioned whether it would even be possible to simply go in and “sew up” my joint capsule, since there is apparently still a hole there. Dr. Sampson also suggested that I don’t do anything quite yet – but instead give it more time – at least six months from the surgery date. If it is getting better, even slowly, that is a good sign. Since my clavicle is still flexing (major sad face) I don’t really have much choice but to wait, so I am definitely open to this. On Oct. 9, it will have been 6 months since surgery on my hip.
I was a bit indecisive about coming out to see Dr. Byrd. I had sent him my films and op report in the hopes he could give his opinion over the phone, but he wanted to see me before giving any kind of opinion. After seeing Dr. Sampson, I had a 2 against 1 situation – and the 2 didn’t even agree entirely. Did I really want a 4th opinion? And even if he agreed with one of the other three, do I really want to make my decision based on the popular vote? Well, I’m glad I made the decision to come out. Dr. Byrd didn’t actually give me any sort of direction at this point. He was very honest in saying that any one of the three proposals given by the other doctors might well be the correct route, and he was not going to add yet another opinion to the mix, or tell me – yes I should absolutely go with ‘x’. Instead, he was quite honest in saying that none of them really know. I had suspected this, but it was really actually helpful to hear it. It doesn’t make it any happier or easier, but it takes the pressure off of finding the “right” answer. There is no way to know at this point. Its not like there is some piece of information out there that I just haven’t found that would show me the correct answer.
Dr. Byrd was kind, listened, and was thoughtful in his advice. He acknowledged that each of the surgeons I have talked to are intelligent, skilled, and are giving me the best advice they can. And, he said that the reason that I’m getting a different opinion from each of them is that at the moment, no one really knows the answer. He said maybe in 3 or 4 years, they will have a better idea, but for now, they are just feeling around in the dark. While they are the leaders in the field, they only know a little bit more than the rest of the surgeons out there. I appreciated his candor. I had hoped he would tell me that yes, I’ve had a patient (or 10) with exactly this situation, we did X and it solved the problem! But, he said the opposite. He’s never had a patient with this problem and is only aware of one other instance where a surgeon dealt with instability from a hole in joint capsule. He is going to call him to find out what he did and the results. He is also going to “think on it” and get back to me on what he would do.
He, like Sampson, suggested that I wait and see, and not jump into another surgery. Essentially, the message was that – whatever route I choose – tightening the capsule or reconstructing the labrum (with whichever of the methods proposed) – may or may not work. I may be faced afterwards with wondering if I should do something more, or if I should have done something different. That is, the situation may not be better, and may be worse than it is now. He also didn’t think it was wise to move ahead and do surgery on the right hip until we had positive results from the left. Unfortunately, I don’t think he realizes what a negative and depressing impact this is having on my life. Waiting is not a neutral decision. It is painful, physically, emotionally, and mentally every day. I think I need to move ahead with surgery on the right hip, and hope for the best – while covering all of my basis – i.e. make sure the labrum is not removed if at all possible and closing the joint capsule on the way out. At the moment, it is my right hip more than my left that holds me back physically – the one that hurts when I kick in the pool, aches on the bike, and protests just walking sometimes. I may be able to live with the limitations that the looseness imposes, but I can’t live with the limitations of the pain my right hip inflicts.
After visiting with Dr. Byrd he had me meet with his physical therapist, Erica, just to see if there were any additional exercises I might do or try. She had me do a bunch of things and moved my leg around a bunch and gave me some suggestions for additional strengthening work I can do – though it sounds like I’m doing most of what she could think of. She thinks that some of the pain I’m having can be improved by joint mobilizations in the hip – to break up scar tissue, and loosen up the joint capsule. This is something my P.T. consciously did not do much of because she really wanted to allow my joint capsule to tighten, rather than work on stretching it out. I think I will return to P.T. and see if the mobilizations help with the pain and range of motion, while I wait and see if the joint tightens. Some days I do feel like my hip is making progress to being tighter. Other days it feels quite loose. Maybe this is just a matter of waiting – and like everything else is just a situation of 2 steps forward, one step back. I hope that is the case.
At times it makes me so sad that I am still dealing with this. I am so sick of thinking about it, talking about it, complaining, wondering, waiting, being sad and discouraged, spending so much time and month and mental energy on it. I guess I thought that I’d deal with the emotional struggle during the laid up and recovery stage, but I was not really prepared that maybe I’d just have to learn to adjust to a new reality – with real physical limitations. I used to think that with the right surgeon, anything could be fixed. But, I’m coming to realize that is not the case. And, I’m realizing that I might just have to adjust my life to this new reality. I know that many people lead fulfilling and happy lives with much larger disabilities than the one’s I’m facing. I just am having a hard time figuring out how I might do that. I don’t want to have to figure out how to do it. But, I realize, I am already figuring out how to do it. I am doing it, whether I like it or not.
They say there are 5 stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. If I don’t accept it, does that mean I’m stuck in depression? Can I accept what is, without giving up on what might be? Without dragging myself down so much by fighting it? It is all so tiring and so not how I want to be spending months or years of my life.
More positive post coming in the near future, I hope!
Monday, September 20, 2010
Monday, August 16, 2010
4.5 Months Post Op
I almost can't believe its been 4 and a half months since I had surgery on my left hip. I thought I'd be all good by now, alas, I still have 2 surgeries to go. But, putting that aside...
This weekend was almost like a normal weekend for me - woke up both mornings and went and rode my bike for 3+ hours. Yes, I was slow, but it left me with that good exhaustion. It was awesome. Then we ate, went to the farmers market, ate some more, saw a movie (scott pilgrim takes on the world is great), lounged on the couch, played with the kitties, cleaned bikes, caught up with friends, etc. pretty basic weekend, and it was lovely :)
If it wasn't for the looseness in my left hip, I would feel very happy with the results of the surgery. That is good to keep in mind going into the next couple of surgeries. I think if it weren't for my collarbone, i could have started riding outside at about 6 weeks post op. As it turned out, I was off the bike for a bout 4 months - but that was due more to the collarbone than the hip. I think riding has been helpful for the hip - and it feels better than it did 2 weeks ago. It feels stronger, fewer tweaks, etc. Before I was able to ride, I was doing a lot of hiking - which was harder on my hips for sure. Last night i had a burning feeling in my joint/hip area - but I would guess that is just muscles/tendons - and just due to the nearly 100 miles i put in on the road this weekend. It is heavenly to ride without pain in the left hip. I hate that my right hip hurts and aches and grinds, but at least it is a remider of where Iused to be on my left hip - so I have something to compare.
I'm ready to start moving forward - to start building endurance, strength and speed, and to start losing the extra 10 lbs I've put on through all this. But, not quite yet. For now, I need to just be happy that i get to ride my bike. Enjoy the sunshine where I can find it, and just maintain a level of sanity until the next surgery arrives... and then the next one. MUCH better than doing that waiting from the couch!! :)
This weekend was almost like a normal weekend for me - woke up both mornings and went and rode my bike for 3+ hours. Yes, I was slow, but it left me with that good exhaustion. It was awesome. Then we ate, went to the farmers market, ate some more, saw a movie (scott pilgrim takes on the world is great), lounged on the couch, played with the kitties, cleaned bikes, caught up with friends, etc. pretty basic weekend, and it was lovely :)
If it wasn't for the looseness in my left hip, I would feel very happy with the results of the surgery. That is good to keep in mind going into the next couple of surgeries. I think if it weren't for my collarbone, i could have started riding outside at about 6 weeks post op. As it turned out, I was off the bike for a bout 4 months - but that was due more to the collarbone than the hip. I think riding has been helpful for the hip - and it feels better than it did 2 weeks ago. It feels stronger, fewer tweaks, etc. Before I was able to ride, I was doing a lot of hiking - which was harder on my hips for sure. Last night i had a burning feeling in my joint/hip area - but I would guess that is just muscles/tendons - and just due to the nearly 100 miles i put in on the road this weekend. It is heavenly to ride without pain in the left hip. I hate that my right hip hurts and aches and grinds, but at least it is a remider of where Iused to be on my left hip - so I have something to compare.
I'm ready to start moving forward - to start building endurance, strength and speed, and to start losing the extra 10 lbs I've put on through all this. But, not quite yet. For now, I need to just be happy that i get to ride my bike. Enjoy the sunshine where I can find it, and just maintain a level of sanity until the next surgery arrives... and then the next one. MUCH better than doing that waiting from the couch!! :)
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Kitties, etc.
We got some kitties! Their names are grimace and igor, they are sisters, from the spca. They are awesome. Little purring and snuggling machines, but also quite frisky. They are good at knowing when to use the claws and when not too - which I appreciate. We have had them a week as of today. Levi has not quite adjusted...
We're working on it... Any suggestions are welcome.
More big news... I have finally returned to the gym and to the bike. YAY YAY YAY! I'm not doing anything near what I used to do in the gym, but i'm at least getting some strength in. It is shocking how weak I am. Like doing a single leg bridge is REALLY hard. I'm doing mostly core work, a bit of lower body, and as much with the left arm as I can do. PT stuff for the hips and the right arm as well. I had some major sharp pains in my hips as a result of the gym work (usually a few hours or the morning after), but it goes away.
My first ride was on Saturday and I've ridden twice since then. I have to say I was very pleasantly surprised at how well both my hip and my clavicle held up. It is funny though - my strongest limb is my left arm. I feel a bit gimpy. The most pain during the rides comes from my right hip - the one I haven't had any surgery on yet. Its the loudest for sure. I'm trying to not put weight on the handle bars much - so going up hills and descending is tricky (and slow), but generally fine! I'm getting the rhythm back. My left hip has felt generally excellent on the rides in terms of pain level. Some strange little squeaks here and there, and some mild achiness at times, but generally quiet and strong feeling. I definitely feel the left glute engaged and like the right glute is impossible to access - its like the pain and mis-aligned structure just prevents me from using it. The only remaining real complaint I have on my left hip is the looseness (I think the pains and squeaks are normal for 4 months into recovery - so don't concern me really). If it werent for the looseness I'd be feeling very happy about the surgery. so....
about that looseness. I finally spoke to Dr. Safran about Dr. Philippon's idea that labral reconstruction is needed to fix the looseness issue - as opposed to just closing/tightening the joint capsule. I asked a ton of questions, we had a good discussion. And, he called me back multiple times with additional thoughts. It was reassuring to have his attention and brain power on this. His suggestion, which I think is a good one, is that I get one or two more opinions, since he and Dr. P. are telling me such different things. Dr. Safran is quite confident that the joint capsule is the issue and he can fix it. He doesn't suggest reconstruction. For many reasons, which I won't go into. My primary take-away from what I've learned is that reconstruction is new, its results not proven, and that the cause of my issue is not really pin-down-able. I hope I can get at least some sort of consensus from the group of docs. The two people he recommended I contact for second opinions are Dr. Byrd and Dr. Sampson. So, I'm going to get on that.
Another piece of good news. I went in and had another xray done on the clavicle today and it shows that there has been some bone growth!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! YAY!!! YAY!!!!! its only on the lower part of the bone (the top part is still a nice gap), but it is something - and it means I'm healing, which is so fantastic. He thinks in a month I should be able to use crutches - so, if I decide to have surgery with him, we'll do that in mid-september. Second hip could be done in Nov (assuming all goes well) and I could have this largely behind me by 2011, which is a very appealing idea. But, I still have research to do, so i'm not going to get ahead of myself.
In the meantime, I'm gonna ride my bike :)
Ciao,
v
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
2011?
Talking to various doctors, scheduling appointments, etc. seems to be a verrrry slow process. After several weeks, I finally spoke to the surgery scheduler for Dr. Philippon. I tentatively scheduled surgery to reconstruct my left hip/labrum for the end of January 2011. Also tentatively scheduled surgery to fix my right hip for March 2011. Yipes that is far away!
I haven't even spoken to Dr. Safran yet to get his opinion on the idea of reconstruction of my labrum or to hear the results of the mri i had almost 2 weeks ago (frustrating!). I'm also still waiting to go talk to Dr. Sampson about what he'd do. I'm hoping waitlists will work in my favor here...
The reading I've been doing suggests that having your labrum removed (rathe than repaired/reattached) leads to generally less successful results and apparently causes micro-instability and more rapid wear and degeration of the hip cartilidge. I think its unavoidable in some cases (mine apparently), and only a few surgeons will actually do a reconstruction of the labrum from other sources (if they cannot repair it using the tissue that is there). There is no way for me to know if my looseness and instability is a result of a loose joint capsule alone or if its the result of having 1/3 of my labrum missing - other than to pick one surgery and go with it. If I'm going to have another surgery on that hip anyways, it seems like a good idea to have it be the most thorough as possible? On the other hand, its tempting to just tighten the joint capsule and see if that is enough... since i could have that surgery asap and the recovery would likely be less. I guess there is no way to know what the result will be with either surgery. I just have to take my chances. Not so into that. Either way, a successful result is not guaranteed, and a perfect result is apparently unlikely. I am not seeing very awesome odds with the studies I'm reading. Basically, its considered a success if the patient is better than before the surgery... the dream of having pain free hips may be just that - a dream.
After getting the 2011 appointments set up, I started to reorganize my next several months in my head ... Wonder if I could get back to riding my bike, once my collarbone is sturdy enough (I am seeing progress finally!!!! and am out of the sling most of the day as of this weekend), and just ride and swim as pain allows for the next several months. I miss riding in the sun, coming home exhausted, being fit. Can I get back to enough of that over the next few months to make the wait bearable? I guess I just have to try and see. My collarbone is still not crutch-worthy yet, so I have some time to make these decisions.
I do still have pain in my left hip and in my right. As of today I have pain the the front of my left hip again - similar to what I had before the surgery. The pain levels alternate and migrate back and forth between hips. Burning, sharp pains, popping, aches, stiffness - seems to be in both hips. sometimes i struggle to get up from a sitting position. At the same time, I know I am doing a lot compared to some convalesing hip patients (much less than others!). I do go on hikes and walks. Sometimes I walk through the pains and stiffness, and sometimes I suffer the consequences. I went for a hike this weekend with a friend who does not generally hike (cyclist) and who is 8 months pregnant. I felt about about as i have for the past month or so, and I could barely keep up. So, I don't think my expectations are too high. But, maybe they are. Its been interesting not being able to ride my bike - since i can't compare the pain level in my left hip pre-and post-surgery. I was able to ride pretty hard and pretty far before surgery - but I had achiness, burning, stiffness, sometimes badly, sometimes not so badly. I don't know if I'm better off now or worse. I think its differnet, but its not good. I am almost 4 months out. How long should I expect to wait to get back to living my life normally?
In the meantime, my primary doc is checking to see if I have some underlying issue thats making my joints loose and making my collarbone take forevs to heal. I am guessing they are just two totally separate events, and that the loose hip is simply due to a surgical issue, but I think its better to turn over that stone - for peace of mind.
Not the most thrilling post, but there you have it :)
ciao,
v
I haven't even spoken to Dr. Safran yet to get his opinion on the idea of reconstruction of my labrum or to hear the results of the mri i had almost 2 weeks ago (frustrating!). I'm also still waiting to go talk to Dr. Sampson about what he'd do. I'm hoping waitlists will work in my favor here...
The reading I've been doing suggests that having your labrum removed (rathe than repaired/reattached) leads to generally less successful results and apparently causes micro-instability and more rapid wear and degeration of the hip cartilidge. I think its unavoidable in some cases (mine apparently), and only a few surgeons will actually do a reconstruction of the labrum from other sources (if they cannot repair it using the tissue that is there). There is no way for me to know if my looseness and instability is a result of a loose joint capsule alone or if its the result of having 1/3 of my labrum missing - other than to pick one surgery and go with it. If I'm going to have another surgery on that hip anyways, it seems like a good idea to have it be the most thorough as possible? On the other hand, its tempting to just tighten the joint capsule and see if that is enough... since i could have that surgery asap and the recovery would likely be less. I guess there is no way to know what the result will be with either surgery. I just have to take my chances. Not so into that. Either way, a successful result is not guaranteed, and a perfect result is apparently unlikely. I am not seeing very awesome odds with the studies I'm reading. Basically, its considered a success if the patient is better than before the surgery... the dream of having pain free hips may be just that - a dream.
After getting the 2011 appointments set up, I started to reorganize my next several months in my head ... Wonder if I could get back to riding my bike, once my collarbone is sturdy enough (I am seeing progress finally!!!! and am out of the sling most of the day as of this weekend), and just ride and swim as pain allows for the next several months. I miss riding in the sun, coming home exhausted, being fit. Can I get back to enough of that over the next few months to make the wait bearable? I guess I just have to try and see. My collarbone is still not crutch-worthy yet, so I have some time to make these decisions.
I do still have pain in my left hip and in my right. As of today I have pain the the front of my left hip again - similar to what I had before the surgery. The pain levels alternate and migrate back and forth between hips. Burning, sharp pains, popping, aches, stiffness - seems to be in both hips. sometimes i struggle to get up from a sitting position. At the same time, I know I am doing a lot compared to some convalesing hip patients (much less than others!). I do go on hikes and walks. Sometimes I walk through the pains and stiffness, and sometimes I suffer the consequences. I went for a hike this weekend with a friend who does not generally hike (cyclist) and who is 8 months pregnant. I felt about about as i have for the past month or so, and I could barely keep up. So, I don't think my expectations are too high. But, maybe they are. Its been interesting not being able to ride my bike - since i can't compare the pain level in my left hip pre-and post-surgery. I was able to ride pretty hard and pretty far before surgery - but I had achiness, burning, stiffness, sometimes badly, sometimes not so badly. I don't know if I'm better off now or worse. I think its differnet, but its not good. I am almost 4 months out. How long should I expect to wait to get back to living my life normally?
In the meantime, my primary doc is checking to see if I have some underlying issue thats making my joints loose and making my collarbone take forevs to heal. I am guessing they are just two totally separate events, and that the loose hip is simply due to a surgical issue, but I think its better to turn over that stone - for peace of mind.
Not the most thrilling post, but there you have it :)
ciao,
v
Wednesday, July 21, 2010
Status Update
While I'm waiting for my collarbone to heal (please please please please heal), I'm taking the opportunity to get second opinions on what is wrong with my left hip - why is it loose? how can it be fixed? I am currently scheduled for a revision surgery with my original OS on August 6, but that will be pushed back regardless. My collarbone is still flexing - and there is no way I could use crutches at this point.
So... after sending off films and operation reports to the Vail doc (Dr. Philippon) several weeks ago, I finally had the chance to talk to his fellow yesterday. They had sent me a short letter saying i was a candidate for surgery, but hadn't described what they would do. Yesterday I learned the specifics of what they would do to fix the looseness in my left hip. In my original surgery Dr. Safran debrided/removed a significant amount of my labrum (the cartilidge band around the hip socket - that helps with stability and suction) - from 11:00 to 3:00. He also didn't close up the joint capsule on his way out of the hip. Dr. P thinks that both of these things are contributing to the instability and looseness in my hip and that only closing the joint capsule (which is what Dr. S is proposing) won't lead to a result that I'm happy with.
Dr. P. proposes to go back in to the hip and repair the labrum where it is missing. If there is insufficient labrum left (which I think is the case) they will take a piece from my IT band to create a fake labrum, and reattach that with sutures to the rim of my hip socket. That will apparently function as a new labrum. I was told that in studies they have found that the new labrum will actually re-grow/re-attach permanently to the hip socket. Success with this procedure is 85% according to a 2-year study Dr. P recently did.
This approach makes sense to me. But, I want to talk to Dr. S. about it and see what he thinks. I also have an appt. with Dr. Sampson in a few weeks (hopefully sooner if there are cancellations) and will ask his views as well. It is a bummer that there is no consistent agreed-upon approach to these surgeries. I wish there were longer-term studies about what works and what doesn't. I'm sure in 5 years they will know so much more. Its frustrating to say the least.
In the meantime, please send healing vibes my way for the collarbone.
Thanks!
Virginia
So... after sending off films and operation reports to the Vail doc (Dr. Philippon) several weeks ago, I finally had the chance to talk to his fellow yesterday. They had sent me a short letter saying i was a candidate for surgery, but hadn't described what they would do. Yesterday I learned the specifics of what they would do to fix the looseness in my left hip. In my original surgery Dr. Safran debrided/removed a significant amount of my labrum (the cartilidge band around the hip socket - that helps with stability and suction) - from 11:00 to 3:00. He also didn't close up the joint capsule on his way out of the hip. Dr. P thinks that both of these things are contributing to the instability and looseness in my hip and that only closing the joint capsule (which is what Dr. S is proposing) won't lead to a result that I'm happy with.
Dr. P. proposes to go back in to the hip and repair the labrum where it is missing. If there is insufficient labrum left (which I think is the case) they will take a piece from my IT band to create a fake labrum, and reattach that with sutures to the rim of my hip socket. That will apparently function as a new labrum. I was told that in studies they have found that the new labrum will actually re-grow/re-attach permanently to the hip socket. Success with this procedure is 85% according to a 2-year study Dr. P recently did.
This approach makes sense to me. But, I want to talk to Dr. S. about it and see what he thinks. I also have an appt. with Dr. Sampson in a few weeks (hopefully sooner if there are cancellations) and will ask his views as well. It is a bummer that there is no consistent agreed-upon approach to these surgeries. I wish there were longer-term studies about what works and what doesn't. I'm sure in 5 years they will know so much more. Its frustrating to say the least.
In the meantime, please send healing vibes my way for the collarbone.
Thanks!
Virginia
Saturday, July 10, 2010
Bend! (and hip and collarbone...)
Jon and I decided to get away for the 4th of July and make a road trip up to Bend, Oregon. I've been wanting to go for a long time, and had it in my head as a place I'd maybe like to live. I fully expected it not to meet my expectations (sort of like 10 years ago I dreamed of living in Boulder and then I went there and it was less than I imagined). I was so wrong! Bend was all that I had thought. Beautiful and amazing scenery. From town you can see the snow covered peaks of the cascades in the distance, all of the surrounding area is covered by huge pine trees, and the deschutes river runs right through town. In town the river is peaceful and manicured, but just out of town it becomes wild again - roaring between huge walls and over big boulders. The path leading around the river is also manicured around town but it continues with a small dirt train winding over wooden foot bridges and around the river's edge for miles and miles out of town. If I could run, this would be the spot for me. Houses in town are my favorite kind - old 1920's bungalows, with some done up modern, with metal roofs and solar heating, and cool landscaping. The people were friendly, the pace slower, the weather perfect (except for the 9 months out of the year where it is cold and snowy! but even then apparently it is sunny 300 days of the year). Even the town has enough going on that we were more than entertained in the evenings - good food, good wine, a "first friday" with shops and galleries opening their doors and people milling about, and even a small 'critical mass' with a few cruiser bikes running through town. We loved it. Now I just need to get a bunch of friends and my family to move up there... and find a source of income up there... must begin plotting that move...
I know there has been a lot of backlash up there against the growth they've seen in the last 10-15 years, and all of the monied californians cashing out of the bay area and moving up there - inflating the price of homes and the cost of living. so, further investigation is definitately needed. Maybe another trip! :)
In other news, this past Thursday was my follow up appointment with my surgeon - 3 months post-op on left hip, and 6 weeks post-op plate removal and clavicle break. First the clavicle. He took an xray and said the break showed no bone growth. He also said that is normal (?) for collarbones, and bones may not begin to grow in until week 6. that said, he was surprised I couldn't shake his hand - or at least that is how I read his reaction. He didn't say anything about more surgery to install a new plate, and in general, I got the sense he wanted to wait and see it heal on its own. He also said it would take 6 months to fully heal, and for the swiss cheese holes to fully fill in. Strange how this all seemed so minor before I had the surgery. I am actually starting to get mad about this.
My own research on the internet suggests that it can take a long time for breaks to heal without fixation. It could be another month or two before the clavicle feels good. For now, I can move my arm all over the place passively - no problem. I take it out of the sling quite a bit to let it move and not be stiff. carrying anything of weight in that hand puts a strain on the clavicle that I can feel - and it doesn't feel good. The same is true of reaching my arm up in the air unassisted - can't do it without pain in the spot where its broken. Mostly I am still sleeping only on my back, in the sling. so OVER that. I can turn now on my left side - but sometimes it feels like even that pressure pulls on the collarbone and it puts bad pressure on the spot with the break. I have been using a bone growth stimulator for the last 3 weeks. Its basically a large blackberry looking thing, connected to 2 electrodes that I have taped on either side of my collarbone - one on my neck and one on my breast plate. 24 hours a day, seven days a week. I get a lot of funny looks and it is a huge pain in the ass - but if it helps it is worth it.
As for the hip... he was not happy that I'm still having looseness in the joint and said that he recommended we go ahead with surgery to go in and tighten the joint capsule. He said the sugery would be arthroscopic, and I'd be in a hip brace for 2-3 weeks and on crutches for 2-3 weeks. He would either sew up the capsule if it simply hasn't healed, or if it has healed, he would create another hole and sew it up tighter (by overlapping it). He would also clean up any scar tissue or other damage.
Of course, we can't do any hip surgery until I am able to put my full weight on crutches with my right arm - which I definitely cannot do right now. AARRRGH. So frustrating. We picked a date to go ahead with that surgery - one month from now - August 6. He said if the collarbone is still not strong by then we can push the date back. He also moved the leg around to test range of motion and says that I'm tighter than I should be - so I'm loose and tight at the same time. I'm also still having pain - sharp and achy. He said by 3 months he'd expect me to be 60% of normal and he doesn't think I am there. So, even apart from the looseness, this is not going as well as normal. Funny, in every other recovery in life I've felt like i was ahead of the curve, and now i'm behind it. Sucks for sure.
I want the surgery that is going to FIX me ASAP. However, another surgery that is just going to butcher me some more is totally unwelcome. So, in the meantime, I'm trying to get a second opinion on the hip issue. I have pretty much accepted that a second surgery on my left hip is going to happen, but I want to make sure that this surgery actually works. If my joint capsule needs to be sewed up or tightened, fine. But if the real problem is that my labrum is no longer good enough to seal the hip, then I want to address that. I have sent my films to another doc(in Vail) who sees lots of FAI patients. Hoping to hear next week. I am also considering going back to the doc in SF who will do two hips at a time - but is not covered by insurance. I am so done with all of this and it may just be worth the $20,000 out of pocket to have them done together. Only thing is, I'm sure I won't be happy having that $20k bill hanging over my head for the next few years. Of course, the longer this gets dragged out, i'm into 2011, and another out of pocket maximum to meet on my insurance. Plus all the time off of work, various contraptions that I have to pay for out of pocket, etc. Realistically, its not a choice between $20,000 or free. Its probably more like a choice bewteen another $5000 or $20,000. Something to consider for sure.
I am also getting a second opinion on the clavicle. I do not want surgery to replate it, but I also do not want to be waiting in vain if that is inevitable.
Who has time for work and life when you have all of these doctor's appointments and p.t. appointments? its insane. Luckily I was working a flexible schedule to ride my bike - now I just use that time for doctor stuff. Don't be jealous!
Today we are seriously considering a kitty. I'm sort of scared! but i know i'd love to have a kitty running around...
Sunday, June 27, 2010
35
Some thoughts that I've been wanting to put on paper...
I’ve always felt like my “true” age was 35. In part, I guess I always felt a bit older than my years – at 20, I felt like I was 35. I also felt like when I actually turned 35, somehow the stars would align – my “true” age would connect with my actual years on this earth and everything would be good. I guess I had fantasies that at age 35 I’d have everything figured out – I’d be at peace. My struggles with finding a career that I love and figuring out what I want to do with my life, how, where and with whom would be over. Or, if not over, I’d at least have a level of serenity and calm – and harmony I guess. No more struggling.
When I decided to have surgery this last winter – part of my grand plan was that I’d have my hip surgeries behind me by the time June 15 rolled around – my 35th birthday. Obviously that didn’t happen. I had my first hip surgery on April 9, 2010. Now it’s looking like I may need a redux on hip #1, and I’m still waiting for hip #1 to be resolved before starting on hip #2. I also did not ring in my 35th year as I had hoped. My last birthday, I had a few broken ribs, had two fresh plates and 16 screws installed in my collarbone, had just returned to work, and got hit with a doozie of a cold – try coughing with broken ribs. Hell. I recall that I spent that night on my couch, eating take out with a friend, feeling terribly sorry for myself and promising that next year would be my year. I had those plates and screws removed on May 29, 2010, one week shy of the one year anniversary of their installation. Again, I thought for sure that I’d be good to go by my birthday. Have at least my collarbone, if not a full hip, checked off my list in time for 35. As you know, if you’ve been reading my blog, that didn’t exactly go as planned either. I again spent my birthday with a broken collarbone.
It’s now almost July, and I’m well on my way into this 35th year I’d had such high hopes for. I have pretty much accepted that surgery and recovery will be part of my life for the foreseeable future. Plans for Christmas and New Year no longer revolve around cycling for me. I’m no longer plotting my comeback for early 2011. So, I guess this means that 35 isn’t going to be the year I had hoped. Or maybe I just have to look a little deeper.
Undeniably, it’s been a huge loss to be robbed of my athleticism. I never imagined that I would be facing month after month without the ability to push myself athletically – to train, be fit, compete. I’ve lost my biggest outlet at my time of greatest need. It is a true test of spirit – and I’m not sure if I’m winning.
But, I’ve also started down a path towards a career that I love. I’m living with a man that I love, who fascinates me, understands me, and who loves me in spite of my ongoing disabilities and – to put it mildly, my lack of cheer at times. I’m learning exponentially about myself. And I’m being forced to grow and look hard at what I want in life – because I can’t just ignore it and make it good with an awesome bike ride.
So maybe the stars have aligned after all. Here's to 35.
I’ve always felt like my “true” age was 35. In part, I guess I always felt a bit older than my years – at 20, I felt like I was 35. I also felt like when I actually turned 35, somehow the stars would align – my “true” age would connect with my actual years on this earth and everything would be good. I guess I had fantasies that at age 35 I’d have everything figured out – I’d be at peace. My struggles with finding a career that I love and figuring out what I want to do with my life, how, where and with whom would be over. Or, if not over, I’d at least have a level of serenity and calm – and harmony I guess. No more struggling.
When I decided to have surgery this last winter – part of my grand plan was that I’d have my hip surgeries behind me by the time June 15 rolled around – my 35th birthday. Obviously that didn’t happen. I had my first hip surgery on April 9, 2010. Now it’s looking like I may need a redux on hip #1, and I’m still waiting for hip #1 to be resolved before starting on hip #2. I also did not ring in my 35th year as I had hoped. My last birthday, I had a few broken ribs, had two fresh plates and 16 screws installed in my collarbone, had just returned to work, and got hit with a doozie of a cold – try coughing with broken ribs. Hell. I recall that I spent that night on my couch, eating take out with a friend, feeling terribly sorry for myself and promising that next year would be my year. I had those plates and screws removed on May 29, 2010, one week shy of the one year anniversary of their installation. Again, I thought for sure that I’d be good to go by my birthday. Have at least my collarbone, if not a full hip, checked off my list in time for 35. As you know, if you’ve been reading my blog, that didn’t exactly go as planned either. I again spent my birthday with a broken collarbone.
It’s now almost July, and I’m well on my way into this 35th year I’d had such high hopes for. I have pretty much accepted that surgery and recovery will be part of my life for the foreseeable future. Plans for Christmas and New Year no longer revolve around cycling for me. I’m no longer plotting my comeback for early 2011. So, I guess this means that 35 isn’t going to be the year I had hoped. Or maybe I just have to look a little deeper.
Undeniably, it’s been a huge loss to be robbed of my athleticism. I never imagined that I would be facing month after month without the ability to push myself athletically – to train, be fit, compete. I’ve lost my biggest outlet at my time of greatest need. It is a true test of spirit – and I’m not sure if I’m winning.
But, I’ve also started down a path towards a career that I love. I’m living with a man that I love, who fascinates me, understands me, and who loves me in spite of my ongoing disabilities and – to put it mildly, my lack of cheer at times. I’m learning exponentially about myself. And I’m being forced to grow and look hard at what I want in life – because I can’t just ignore it and make it good with an awesome bike ride.
So maybe the stars have aligned after all. Here's to 35.
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